It was tough!

When I joined a course on Counseling, I did not realise how serious it could get! While I hoped to learn, I also enjoyed the idea of doing something other than playing golf or go visiting!

My class last Sunday was very different! Instead of the usual lecture, we heard Mala and Ravi and they have occupied my thoughts ever since! Ravi is in his late forties and Mala is a bit younger! Mala began first introducing herself as a member of Al-Anon and requested us to hear Ravi, a member of the Alcoholic Anonymous, without interrupting and they would answer our questions later!

Ravi was very articulate and spoke fluently and while he was not dramatic, his talk was very gripping. He began with a statement 'I am an alcoholic'! A serious disease, he said, 'I inherited it through my genes and there is no cure available so far'. He mentioned that WHO defines it as the third most serious ailment after Heart and Cancer. He then traced the events in his life which gradually took him down the path towards alcoholism.

While I will not go into the nature of an alcoholic, the narration of his degradation from a man with a successful career to a deceitful person and his admission of physically abusing his wife, in front of his children, was moving and very disturbing. His pain and his deep remorse for having put his wife and children through hell was very palpable. He said thanks to his brother who supported him and spent huge amounts of money on him and his wife who never gave up, he was off drinks for the past four years!

His redemption began truly after he joined the AA. He was very clear that he would not have succeeded but for the support he received from AA and the family. He still needs to keep attending their meetings to maintain the pause he has managed so far! They both were very emphatic that there was no cure and he could go back to being an alcoholic in a snap! Very scary!

While he spoke Mala used the blackboard to highlight the points we needed to remember as trainee counselors. They spoke of the Denial, Fear, Lies and Ego which comes in the way of seeking help. I felt that while they had not rehearsed the presentation, they combined well. It was due to the fact that they had deeply felt experiences which were similar and knew the pitfalls, the pain, the anxiety, the guilt, the whole gamut of emotions of an addict or being the wife of an addict.

Later Mala spoke and her story sounded very familiar! A very young girl falls in love and marries the guy. She is happy setting up home and soon the idyll is broken as she gets her first shock! She is advised by his friends in the colony that 'he has a drinking problem' and she should take control! Here again the story travels in a downward path. She discovers that he is very deceitful and she finds herself using all her savings paying off his loans! His family typically tell her that it is she who is the cause of his increased drinking! She is blamed for not working for or seeking a cure for his habits. (She asked where were they when he got into this habit?)

She finds succor in Al-anon and learns that it is not she, but her husband who has to take control of his life, address the causes for his habit and find a cure! This understanding takes a heavy load off her shoulders. She also learns to be tough in love. She tells her husband to seek help to get out of his habit. It so transpires that he is not willing to make the effort and she comes home to her parents hoping that he will learn his lessons and come back to her. But instead she receives a notice seeking divorce which she gives.

She writes on the board, 'once an alcoholic always an alcoholic'! It was fascinating to watch her while she listened to Ravi. You could see that she was living her past life again! She also made it clear to us that Ravi is a special case and even he is in the danger of sliding back in a flash!

She does not appear angry but she comes across as a hardened realist. She said 'I used to be so angry and frustrated that I would take off my mangala sutra from my neck and stamp on it. It was no more sacred'. She does not know how her ex-husband is, she guesses that he may not live very long. 'He will die' she says and adds 'It is better he dies! There is no cure and we all die!'

Her words still echo in my mind. She told us 'You cannot empathise (A counselors' mantra!) with us as you may do with the others. You cannot imagine what we go through. So do not show sympathy, only show concern'. She adds 'Do not try to advise them. Refer your clients to us!' and then she gave us their tel nos.

As we concluded they also thanked us! Talking to us was a part of their continuous healing. Her words keep ringing in my mind: 'In the end we both were the same, only thinking of the bottle. He about how to get hold of one! And I how to see that he does not! We were going through the same agony. I am glad I am out of it now!'

Ravi added 'As I listen to Mala, I learn more about the sufferings my wife had to go through. While she told me some, many she kept to herself'.